Hello Darkness my old friend.
Darkness (under his breath): Oh God, it’s him again.
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My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
A ghost story
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
You deplete me
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
giddy up Office Depot
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
🤣
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
inventing words: clothing