i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
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Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
WHY?!
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.