You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
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You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist