Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
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EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.