Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
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Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.