[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
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Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
“Be sure to unroll dads sleeves and check for food before you put them in the washer”
-my wife
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Sales clerk: That handbag is very pleasing to the eye.
Customer: Really? I don’t like it.
Giant Disembodied Eye: YOU REALLY SHOULD BUY IT
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
Twitter to me is like the Bermuda triangle. I don’t know how I got here and I’m not even sure where “here” is.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday