I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
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the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.
ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough