Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
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He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
I’m NOT ashamed of my body. I worked hard for athletic build, healthy brown hair, 4 gorgeous legs, strong neck, big wet nose, clip clop feet
On this very day 6 years ago, I asked my best friend to marry me. My wife was furious. Gary was a little taken aback too.
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.