[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
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Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
what the
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Guy at the Xmas tree farm: When you bring it into your house, you need to let it stand in the corner of the room for a while to relax and acclimatise.
Me: Same.
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure