#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
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You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
dam girl
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.