The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
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Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
First grade soccer is actually so exciting, like one player just grabbed a couple of sticks and started rubbing them together at midfield to try and start a fire
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.