Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
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Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
Please leave a message after the entire Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II soundtrack.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf