[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
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“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
Her: I want you to kill my ex but make it seem like an accident
Me: say no more
[Later]
Detective: looks like the killer beat him to death with a crowbar and then placed a banana peel by his feet
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.