If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
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her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
The proctologist told me to drop my pants so I did what any good listener from the 80s did
Wife: Yelling stranger danger hysterically was a bit much though
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.