10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
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[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
follow me for more life hacks
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.