To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
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Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
I hate when you go to a surprise party, and all anyone wants to do is talk about your drug problem.
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?