My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
You Might Also Like
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
h
a
a
a
t
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.