people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
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Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.