ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
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me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.