[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
You Might Also Like
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
Dudes named Chance never had one.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
I like to start out my Wednesdays by dropping an entire cup of coffee down the stairs and crying about it for 6 minutes.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”