“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
You Might Also Like
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
ME: how long will it take to remodel my house?
CONTRACTOR: only about 2 months
[9 years later]
CONTRACTOR: ok so we’ve installed 1 stair
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
I never understand why people think saying “you look tired” is an acceptable thing to say to someone. Maybe I’m just ugly, ok
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
“I like to think I’m a pretty laid-back person”
*starts driving*
“LOOK AT THIS IDIOT!!! WHAT IS HE DOING?!? JUST GO, MATE!!!”