My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
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My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?