I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
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If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
welp
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”