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VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
hi why am I like this
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
“Tim’s coming tonight”
“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”
[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
I hate when that happens.
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything