The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
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My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.