*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
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[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
Hamburger Hinderer.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food