My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
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[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.