Women I sleep with get so weird when I ask them to sign the guestbook.
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starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…