Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
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ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
Thanks to a fan for this one!
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.