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I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
constantly working on myself.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
*gets down on one knee*
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.