I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
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The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
Delightful if true: booby trap.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”