My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
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My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.