I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
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A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
still the best tweet of the year by far
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”