Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
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When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better