My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
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me as a parent
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?
ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
INTERVIEWER: What?
ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
Who called it choosing a burial plot and not a grave decision
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
Tell the colonel to bring it
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
*pulls out stack of pancakes and completely stuffs mouth during interview*
Nexft queffstun pleeazse
“Umm. Your biggest weakness?”
Panfccakes
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.