I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
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Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
and now we wait
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.