‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
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COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Don’t believe in aliens, huh? Explain how people in the 1800s got on top of those bicycles with the huge front wheels.
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
Every haunted house movie:
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.