A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
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Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
Breaking news:
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.