I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
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me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car