Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
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Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
U talkin 2 me?
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
Look at this
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
When I go to Burger King, I like to get a Whopper and a Whopper jr. then make the Whopper watch as I eat the Whopper jr.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
didn’t think I was even that high until I met buzz aldrin in the mirror just now
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend