I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
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#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
Lube but for my dry humor.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
Very good! 👍😂
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.