Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
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If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
Her: ‘Do I look, like, fat?’
Brain: no,no,no,no
Brain: Of course not.
Brain: Say SOMETHING
Mouth: ‘Like a fat what?’
Brain: Oh dear God
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”