[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
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I don’t cheat on my diet by eating pizza, I cheat on my pizza by going on a diet.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.