The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
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I have a black belt in leather
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
Lol #dogsoftwitter
Mad Max: Furry Road
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
seems like a niche market