You Might Also Like
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
what’s another way to say “codependent psycho”? I want this dating profile to be perfect
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce