One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
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Cucumbers Anonymous
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
*gets down on one knee*
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
[murderer hunting me in the forest]
me: *quietly opens velcro wallet*
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
Get in loser we’re going crying
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.