Try and stop me.
You Might Also Like
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
consequences, the bane of my existence
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you’re the youngest
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.