Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
You Might Also Like
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts