its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
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PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable