No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
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[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you